Mother’s Day

Mother’s Day – a day to celebrate your mum. It creeps up on me every year! And every year I scramble around for that last minute on-line purchase…and I mean last minute. I phoned my mum’s local florist shop on Friday night UK time! The poor florist dealing with disorganised off-spring from the other side of the world. The feeling of low self worth got worse as I remembered the florist lost her mum a couple of years ago (of course I know her – it’s NZ after all)…this time of year must be pretty rubbish for her, amplified by her line of work and such disorganised, seemingly ambivalent children calling at the last minute.

The UK don’t celebrate the second Sunday in May as Mother’s Day. Instead they go for the more traditional Mothering Sunday, 3 weeks before Easter, in March. Wiki says this stems from eras gone by when one was supposed to visit their “Mother Church”. It then evolved into a day to celebrate one’s mother. The NZ (and most of the rest of the Western world) went for the commercialised May one which developed from a peace worker who wanted a day to celebrate positive women, so chose the day of her own mum’s birthday as a day to celebrate.

Regardless of which one you follow, if you’re not with your mum for whatever reason, it’s hard. At times I feel retched guilt for not being with my mum: guilty for leaving her continually hoping that I’ll return home one day to live; guilty for not being able to give her breakfast in bed on Sunday; guilty for not cooking her a roast dinner or taking her out for lunch; guilty for leaving her with my brother who begrudgingly does the dutiful son duty on the day…..and I feel absolute frustration that teleporting is not possible!

I feel sad that I’m not there with my mum. I want to be there and I know she wants me to be there and I also know there will be a day when it won’t be possible to be with her on Mother’s Day….so I also feel regret that I’m wasting these Mother’s days away from her. I miss the lunches and shopping with my mum. I miss her randomly buying me some eco facial cleanser or deodorant, or a some cotton undies. She is still there for guidance and support but I miss the fact she’s not just down the road.

So there will be a phone call in the morning NZ time, and a Skype call in the evening…little compensation for a gap so big.

Happy Mother’s Day.

I love you.

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This blog has probably been many years in the making.  Part of me hasn’t wanted to acknowledge how I feel and part of me is continuously bursting with a need to vent my observations, my perceptions, my frustrations and my fondness for varying elements of my kiwi life in England. I am a kiwi.  A proud kiwi.  A homesick kiwi.  I am living in England and have been here for the last 14 years.  March 2004 I arrived, just after my appendix had been removed.  That little part of me didn’t leave New Zealand and it will always remain there – along with my heart, metaphorically speaking, of course.  While I have established a career, a family and a semi life here I want nothing more than to go home.  I used the term “semi-life” because I am eternally planning to leave and I sometimes feel I have not fully engaged in the life I lead here.  There’s always part of me that doesn’t get involved fully, and doesn’t wholly immerse myself in the surrounding culture.

However, there are many elements of life in England that I have taken up; I watch Coronation Street & Emmerdale, I love Strictly Come Dancing, I tut at people when they’re in my way, I call people “Chavs” and I talk about the weather! Some culture elements I think I don’t abide by because it just doesn’t occur to me to partake and some I just simply refuse to do so!  Here’s a list of the more obvious elements that create this paradox in my situation (most of these I am sure have been observed by others in the past): I don’t drink tea, I don’t watch football, I wear gumboots not wellies, I am not very good at queuing, I know what to do if there is an earthquake, I can’t believe it takes more than a half hour drive to a beach…or anywhere for that matter! I think it’s due to these aspects I will always feel not quite belonging…..which is fine.   I want to remain a Kiwi, but now find myself in this limbo of two worlds and am not sure where I belong.  This blog will delve into this limbo state of mind and hopefully will help me work out where my home is!